Tick-Tock-Tick tick-tock tick-tock-tick-tock tick-tock-tick

Once again I have written this post and poem to help me understand myself and to help me see why I have great difficulty in accepting my Mother’s death.  As this one progressed, first the poem, then the paragraph prior to the poem, next the paragraph just after the poem, on to the top animation and then the rest kept on coming.  As I reread what I wrote, and I always have a lot of rereads, I noticed my words, openness and reactions to life were getting a little diifferent.  I decided that I am not going to edit much because it is important for you to see the changes in my thoughts as I progressed.  It became evident that I was beginning to discover many nuances about myself.  The nuances do not jump out after you, but you will feel the change.  Hopefully, if I continue to use this approach in my writing my thinking will become clearer and my thoughts will become more organized and my approach to life will be better.

c_solarcorona2003

An animation showing atmospheric corona around sun This animation shows the rising sun through thin clouds that cause diffraction rings to appear. The pink clouds caused the diffraction rings. Then the exposure was reduced and constant after. Notice, once the sun rises above the cloud layer, the ring magically transforms into dramatic spikes. The rings are atmospheric effects, while the spikes are due to optical effects within the camera.

From Wikipedia: This image has been released into the public domain by its author, Tomruen. This applies worldwide.


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My days now are managed by time  more than they used to be……….Depending upon what is happening in any twenty four hours I am affected by my interpretation of metaphorical time, as well as, the many other forms of time, including the real down to earth time that we all are accustomed to experiencing.   My relationship with time changed even more when I became a caregiver. Sometimes it is on my side, but all too often I know it slides through my hands, then mocks and toys with me as my life progresses within each day. Time is not always my friend………

Time rushes in like a gale of wind forcing me to stand at guard,
it leaps in boundless increments making my stance unsteady,
then without cause, turns to languish upon my battered mind and
provoking it to deteriorate even more on its own remorse.

I think how fortunate it is to be time, an entity of baseless emanations,
whose sole objective is to be consistent in its adeptness to abrade my soul.
The anguish prevails, whether time comes like greased lightning or
as an adagio movement, it still pierces my heart as tears stream down my cheeks.

I wonder who tells it how fast or slow to go?
Does it know, regardless of its speed, that it can wrench me beyond my control?
Does it know it shapes my feelings and emotions beyond repair?
No, I think this thing called time just doesn’t care.

This thing called time flies by and suddenly, with the blink of an eyelid,
everything changes or remains the same.
In the quietude of pensive thought I know when it has done its job.
Without looking, suddenly there is noise, where there was black now there is white.
All softness has become hard and the glimmer of light becomes dusk.

For the moment, I decide to look into time, rather than at it or looking for it.
I look without tears, fear, happiness or a smile,
for if I do I know my happiness will fade, the smile will stiffen
and quiver as reality strikes with blows of fear.

I look into time and all I can see for miles is my present day.
It teeters on a precarious precipice that allows me to go in only one direction.
Look into time for the answer to my quest, the thing I want the most,
yet when I look I find time stops me from ever  letting me return to what was.


For as long as I remember I have lived in and for the events that have already happened.  Let me lounge on the chaise in my bedroom on any day.  I will close my eyes and let my mind wonder.  Soon, dreams of some wonderful past event will form and I will step into that vision without any hesitation.  Eventually, I return psychologically  to the present day and rise to  continue with what I be doing.  I think about, as I begin the task at hand, how wonderful it would be to remain where I just came from because the memory was so vivid and it was one of those perfect days.

You may find my living for or within the past fairly strange for a person of my age.  But when I think about doing this, then I realize how it has shaped my life and answers many questions concerning how I think and why I believe/ed tomorrow is less important than the past.  I can understand now that I may live in the present day, but that I prefer the past because it is safer.  The past is safe because all decisions have been made, I can be selective and frolic in whatever former day I wish and never need to face something that affects the rest of my life.  I have rarely thought of the metaphorical tomorrow–the place that is the key to the rest of my life, the place where dreams are built and smiles abound.  It is that place, though, that I have to acknowledge, particularly if  I  want a better tomorrow and then I need to do the work to acquire it

For the past year I have written not as many posts as I should about my crepusculum.  It is sad to say, but often I bring up items that I should deal with now, rather than waiting.  Not only should I have a plan for my older years, I should have it as organized and implemented as I can.  Yet many of the points are left to dangle in my present day.

I write about my dear Mother and the terrible time I have accepting her death.  I have been given some really good ideas on how to deal with all of this and until yesterday moving forward in my thought process never occurred.  This strange, elusive thing called time, with its ability to change its length really doesn’t change.   I am and you are the only one that can change the length of an increment of time.   Please remember, I am talking about regular, old time that we know.   We are the only ones that can describe and label time depending upon how it affects us.  I am the culprit that places strange labels on time.   It can’t strike out with blows of fear, but I can do that to myself.  It can’t really teeter on a precarious precipice, but I can tell you that it does.  I am the one that looks around and depending upon how I am dealing with life I can stop any forward movement in my life.

Yes, time may not be my friend, but it is beginning to open paths to ideas about my life in my mind.

***************

Time became a factor of major importance for Claude Monet. In his desire to seize upon the exact moment of vision, Monet found himself at work on a dozen or more canvases of the same subject, each recording a particular moment in the day. The artificiality of such a procedure led him to reflect upon the nature of time; so that in his last works, the paintings of the now famous lilies floating on water, one seems to have gone beyond everyday reality into some strange world behind appearances, where cosmic, elemental forces are in play. These lily pond pictures slowly grew in size and took on unparalleled dimensions; composition as Monet understood it disappeared and all the forms dissolved in light.

From Claude Monet’s Water Lily Series

Three Water Lily Paintings Expressing Nature of Time

Three Water Lily Paintings Expressing Nature of Time

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6 comments on “Tick-Tock-Tick tick-tock tick-tock-tick-tock tick-tock-tick

  1. Frank,
    I enjoyed this piece about time. I, too, see it as a force propelling me toward an unknown horizon. There are moments that I enjoy its breeze, yet there are more moments when I am resisting its gale.

    Time and, on whose side it is on, is illusive. The young can run out of it on a dark highway or lost it to disease as well as the not so young.

    I have moments that I believe my life is standing still. My presents seems to observe time flying past me and with it, my hopes and dreams. But, I also know, it is what I do with time that makes life satisfying or a disappointment.

    That has been one of my frustrations. In my present state, I sense time is passing so rapidly and I am standing so very still. I think that I am afraid that by the time I leave this dark Valley, there will be nothing left of me to enjoy what I looked for in this life season. But again, I realize that time is an illusion more than a reality for me.

    Thanks again for the wonderful thought provocation. Thanks for the beautiful Monet…he is one of my favorites…but most of all, thank you for being so open and honest with your feelings. It is a comfort to know that there are others who are walking this path in autumn and I am not alone with my thoughts about passing time….

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  2. Dear Frank – Your writing always moves me to stop and think about things I don’t always consider. Often I think we give too much power to time. Time stops, time flies, I don’t have enough time, you took too much time, it’s time for this, it’s time for that. For me time can be a scapegoat. It’s this “thing” that I blame for any part of my life that is lacking. Time is a precious commodity I am guilty of wasting. As for the past, I visit far too often and savor moments already spent. My goal is to pay more attention to the right now because it is the only concrete part of my life. I can control how I use the right now and my hope is to become a time gourmet, not a time gourmand. Hugs, Linda

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  3. Frank says:

    I know for sure that when You are able to move from your present life and return a world that continually changes, you will see that the changes are nominal and you can fit right in; besides–I’ll be there to guide you! Yest, I believe time is an illusion that lives in my mind and that I manipulate. You and I are both striving for the reality and we will make it. I have noticed a change since I have gotten to know you and the others that comment……..you are like the one to follow to watch and learn from and everyone, including you have carefully placed words and thoughts in my heard to help me and I think they are. My Mother may be in renal failure, but this time I have not dropped off the side of the world. From you and her I have learned to think about tomorrow–a very big gift. And my writing is beginning to pay off.
    Thanks for all you have been and will be shadolands…..We all walk our own path but along the way we visit and give what we may to the other.
    Take care now, I think of you and hope you are fine…….Frank

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  4. Frank says:

    Linda, where my writing may bring you to thought, yours allows me to smile, feel free and for short times only think and be a part of what you are writing. I treasure those moments of respite and I am so happy you still are able to continue writing regardless of your busy life now.

    And yes I love your metaphor for your hoped new out look on time…..see right they I am only think of gourmet vs gourmand and smiling like crazy!! I like that a lot—
    Thanks Linda for always having that certain phrase, word or touch of support.
    2 hugs to you,
    Frank

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  5. lyndaspix says:

    Frank, again, you have touched me in a place that is not necessarily comfortable, but it is a place that must be given the thought that it deserves. All of us face growing older, losing loved ones, changes in our health and ability to care for ourselves.

    I think I am often in denial about these things — or is it that I choose to live in today? Today, this moment, is what I have…this moment I have chosen to give to you, my dear friend, to read your wonderful writing, to think about your thoughts, to consider your views. It is time well spent, in my opinion. You have given me a facet of thinking that I did not have before coming to know you through your posts, your art and the email conversations that we have had.

    Time is precious, it should not be wasted in regrets, for sure. Remembering the past, living in today, and planning for the future are not wastes at all.

    I disagree (respectfully, of course) about time not being your friend. I think that the time you’ve had has been well spent in many ways. You’ve enriched the lives of others, gained understanding and insight into yourself and have given immensely of yourself to your sweet momma in her final years, with no thought of that time being “wasted”.

    The time that you’ve had with M., with your family, with your friends, gaining your education and self esteem…all precious. All that time has been your friend.

    I hope you don’t mind a slightly different perspective on the subject. And I hope that you will choose to enjoy today. And every “today” of the rest of your life. You deserve nothing less.

    Love,
    Lynda

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  6. Frank says:

    Lynda, I think that the best part of a blog is that after you write suddenly you receive a comment that makes you stop to think………”What—what?” and then I read again and say, yes, yes she is so right. Your perspective is very thoughtful and I appreciate it because without you writing I would never have been able to see that side or interpreting time. Its wonderful to receive your perspective–it reminds me of when I was in college and continually heard things that opened my mind to new horizons. You just did that for me!!
    Take care Lynda, My friend I do appreciate your erringly effective words.
    Frank

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