What will the 'morrow bring-

morning
If I let go of all the things I know,
if I toss from my heart what tugs at its’ walls,
if I take the chance to step on to the edge of my soul,
then will I be better or worse than I am.

Will the sun shine again as bright as before,
will I never again feel the anxiety within my mind or,
can I take a hold of all the scarred, ragged edges
and bring them back and sew them together again?

If I bend and pick up the pieces of me
If I reach and hold onto the sweetest of the memories,
If I sit and stare at the nothing I see in the vision of my soul,
then will color be able to return to the space I see with my eyes.

Will sorrow that pierces and gouges the heart,
be changed so that the spring returns to the soul
or will tomorrow only bring another spear
laced with grief that only I can feel its’ sting?

As I continue on my journey toward my twilight it is evident that I shall be carrying a few more questions that I can only answer.  Each day I realize that there isn’t any one else in the world that can tell me how I am to do the things I am to do, understand how and when the haze of my world will return to its normal clarity and it is only I who can can know when my tomorrow will feel like it has brought the new spring to my life.

For now I continue to muddle with in the sludge under the white snow that occasionally lets me slip and fall.  It is the grayness of the sky that matches what my eyes see as I sit, sometimes too long, staring off into the corner of my bedroom; or at times I fall asleep on the chaise only to awaken and return to the sight of that same corner of nothing.

I question also, when will the night begin to pass without  numerous times of awakening to see just how much longer I need to stay there.  Eventually I arise before dawn and trip quietly down the stairs so that I don’t awaken M. or the cat, Souse.  It is then, once again in the appalling quietude of our house I sit in that corner of the kitchen that I have always sat in before the bright monitor of the computer to think of what next could lessen the impact of these days on my soul.
And then suddenly,  I realize I have passed from the time of pensive thought into flipping url’s like Blueberry Pancakes on a sizzling hot grill and as the pancakes  are stacked they leave no room between.  As I arise from the computer I know the day lies ahead to be experienced mostly with agitation even more than the Kenmore washer produces to wash my clothes.  And I seem to follow the same cycling.  First there is the agitation, then the rinsing and calming of my mind only to plunge forward into a spinning haze.

I think of all this newness of experiences each day and wonder is it all that bad and  will I be able to make it through it and look backward and know that even in my mature years I can grow and learn all there is that life has to offer.  I know for now I wonder why there needs to be lessons like I am within, but I think  that somewhere in the motion of living there is a plan for me and I must follow this relentless path to find greater peace.

As I turn each new corner I find myself a little closer to my crepuscular years.  With each step I must take now I realize it can only prepare me for the new years ahead of me.  To gain wisdom through thoughts, by the anguish created by death and by recording my  collective new beliefs then it is an acceptable path that I take.
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4 comments on “What will the 'morrow bring-

  1. Shadowlands says:

    “…but I think that somewhere in the motion of living there is a plan for me and I must follow this relentless path to find greater peace.”

    Frank,

    I too believe that I must find the plan for my remaining years. I fight against the thought that I will live my life alone. Sometimes, the thought of those “mile” that are left for me to travel brings a quiet terror and I want to run away from that seemingly never ending highway. But, I can’t.

    Like you, I am not assured of loving arms wrapped around my shoulders as I walk from this world into the next. But, I am inspired by the “tomorrows” and I want to walk, experience and find the hope that are wrapped in them…

    I hope that my son will be like you and hold me when I am frightened by the “angel” that comes to collect me. But, given his head injury, I am very much aware that he may preceed me.

    It is then that I have to stop and remind myself that, if that is the case, then he will be with Dan, my brother, mother and father and all those that I love who have gone before me to welcome me “home”.

    It seems that I have more “there” than “here” and I hope that my grasp on this world will be so light that letting go will not be a struggle, but rather, a much anticipated reunion…

    My shadows seem deep, right now, but my “tomorrows” are becoming a little brighter as I look at the horizon and all that wait for me…

    Keep writing, Frank. You give me hope in my “todays”.

    Like

    • Frank says:

      My writing and those that read them are the two reasons that I move forward at all. If all of this had happened while I had been in a vacuum, before WordPress, I know the outcome would have been much, much worse. You have given me the word “hope”–you have guided me along the way at times when I felt I wasn’t going to make it and you have inspired me by how hard you want to return to stability. Yes, I will keep writing and hopefully each of those will help you also. I have decided this thing called grieving is quite shattering but I also understand now that it is very important. We both would be in a strange place without grieving. My best to you always, my dear friend…Frank

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  2. sparkle333 says:

    Wow Frank: For very different reasons, we are both going through a similar journey. I also make motions, but my heart is far from the reality. I am questioning many things–my past, my childhood, my entire existence, really. Trying to make some sense of it, in a way that doesn’t completely invalidate all of it. But I find upon reflection, that I was genuine always, in the midst of great heartbreak. More sensitive than this world can accomodate, experiencing deep sorrow, as well as great joy.
    But always genuine…

    Perhaps indeed, this may be the greatest time of both of our lives. I am not ready to die–there is so much more to be experienced and savoured. More to understand, more knowledge to gain, more love to give and receive. Perhaps it was required that we each walk this road, to find the revelation that lies arond the bend. I approach the bend in the road, with great expectations, as I hope you soon will also.

    Always, Sparkle

    Like

    • Frank says:

      Sparkle, You and I are both grieving for the same character-Mine passed away and you need yours to be removed from you……..in a way that is also death. In effect, we are both grieving. When I read some of your words I got confused because I couldn’t identify what, but you just put this in perspective and now it all makes sense to me…….you are grieving for the Mother you never had and I am grieving for the Mother that I had. Ho terribly ironic can it be for you.

      And Sparkle that is why you are living your life so much like me….its a hallmark condition of grieving. I think dumb-dumb here will have many new suggestions that probably will help you the next time I read your blog.

      Thank you always for visiting me. I’m so glad I came to you that first time.
      My best to you–May God watch over you.
      Frank

      Like

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