I sit in my corner, the one that I have for so many times, facing the computer screen in a darkened room. Tonight, though, is not like the majority of nights I have sat here, Then the sounds coming from the life support systems filled the room that could easily put me in the meditative state. As I wrote for my blog and my concerns of aging, reaching the twilight of my life, occasionally telling someone’s story that was either within a crepuscular time, or had traveled beyond that life segment and had entered the final darkness that one must go to eventually, I could tell if everything was fine with Momma.
Now I sit and wonder is everything fine with me. I am one of those believers that feel that when one leaves this earthly place the spirit remains for all eternity. I do believe the spirits of all the dear ones I have known are still with. Once, while standing in a closet upstairs, my aunt came to warn me to watch my Mother very closely. When she spoke her voice was as clear and real to me as it had been while she was alive. The words I heard were the words she would have used, words simply connected to pass on a communication with out frivolities to confuse the mind.
When she had finished giving me the warning I stood there so silent. It didn’t scare me at all, but what it did do was give me a very connected feeling to her spirit. I felt her presence in that little closet and I listened to her. I never told this to anyone until the last few months when my Mother passed through a long stage, in which, she felt a strong desire to hear and be with her Mother. It was a fretful time for her and I tried to tell her it was possible to speak with her Mother. Later she began to understand and when she did understand there was no longer a need to be with her. She often agreed with me that it took just a short time for her to understand that all she had to do was close her eyes, relax, look into the distance behind you eyelids and see her waiting.
Now, at nights I try to do the same for me, but so far I am to restless, too nervous to be successful, but the other day as I drove the car to an appointment I began to be upset. Without much thought I turned my head toward the passenger seat. My Mother, her spirit was there. I calmed immediately……and for a while it was wonderful to have her with me.
This thing called grief takes an enormous amount of time to understand and experience. It is nothing to laugh at because it can happen to anyone at anytime. May yours be gentler.