My days continue on much the same. Some are better, but usually within the period of a couple days a tug, a wince, a another’s story triggers my emotions and for a short while I am in limbo. I trudge through the house, hearing not much but emptiness, except an occasional creek from the snow on the roof.. I have come to a new point. I know Momma is dead. Monday is one month, but as I look around my mind prefers thinking that she is here and sometimes I walk in for a quarter of a brief second she is there. It gives me a start and makes me believe she will be here again. It begins the cycle of not believing all this could happen, but I really do believe she off resting and just wanted to be alone for a short time..
I walk on and wonder how to understand what to see,
yet my mind toys with me and it tells me over and over you are still here–
Where I wonder, but then I ask are you just away?
I saunter on to the next room, but before I leave I tell you,
“I’ll be back”, I say “I’m going to the next room, I’ll see you there.”
But then how can that be when I know my eyes and my mind plays tricks;
where I wonder, but then I ask are you just away?
The house stays so quiet and at times I hear the snow fall against the house,
I jump for a moment, because I know that is you returning.
With a smile on my face I head toward the noise and stop–
where I wonder, but then I remember you are just away!
Your songs play from the computer and I see us dance as we did long ago,
I dance through the rooms just as we did on the farm when you were teaching me
and then the music goes from a waltz to another beat and my heart stands still,
where I wonder, but then I remember you are just away………
Yes, you are just away for now, whether I see you or not,
I know you are just somewhere, out there just beyond the door.
Just beyond the door I know that you will be waiting and no longer
do I need to wonder, I know to remember you are just away………