Now I Know

When I wrote my first poem, I didn’t realize how cathartic they could be.  By the time I wrote the third one I became aware  of how easily I could express my emotions.  Most all the poems I have written deal with the grief that I feel within, but as time continues to move forward I realize they also allow me to understand more of life and to look beyond my own back yard.  The poems merge with the expressions of help in your responses and the combination becomes a salve that within time cause new thoughts that become stronger building blocks for my own wisdom.

The emotions I write about opens my heart and as I look out into a new day I feel a little better and if need be I could be more compassionate to someone else who is hurting and understand when it is time to lock the door and get tough.

Life is a precious commodity and we each have our own discoveries.  When we share them we learn from each other, or give the support that I have been shown through the kindness of your heart.  If I had not had to experience the unknown circumstances of my Mothers passing I would be a little less able to help someone else, but Now I Know

Now I know, Now I know what it is
that before I could never understand.

Now I know what that time is like
and understand what has been known forever.

How many times did I wonder, worry and fret over what I didn’t know.
Did I guess at any time the full extent of what it would really be like?

Oh no, never in my wildest imagination could I know,
Could I have known pain as I know now,
could I feel loneliness that wraps my throat and chokes me from the air.

Would I have thought the days and the nights become one,
would I guess how little I  would not understand once it happened.

And could I ever have know what it is like to have panic hitting the heart,
or know that, possibly one tear can turn a person toward uncontrollable agony.

Would I have ever guessed what this time is like,
or would I have thought that there was no need, if I was prepared.
Can you ever guess right about being  prepared correctly?
Ah, yes if you go to a luncheon you will have been given the time and the place.

This day and future days come regardless of any preparation…..
your memories  sting and gouge and make new thoughts to surprise and cause you pain.

They lap at your tears and delight  in making you distraught.
It is a day without caring for you and the days to follow, well there is an unknown plan for them.

Then without expectation there comes a day–

with first light I look out of the window, then into the room and for the first time I understand.

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6 comments on “Now I Know

  1. Frank,
    Your poem captures the feelings knowing that no matter how much you believe that you are almost prepared for the loss of that person and their love, you never truly are ready to face it until that moment arrives.

    I thought about that alot immediately after Dan died. I was becoming so frustrated with my emotions and I remember thinking that I should have known how deeply this would cut my heart, only to realize that the intellect cannot capture what truly belongs to the heart and it alone.

    Yes, this pain makes us able to reach out to others with a genuine compassion that was not a part of us until we walked this path…in the mist of loss, we gain.

    To help others understand this journey, it must be passed by one before us and now, you shall be a most loving and compassionate teacher for those who follow you.

    Thank you for sharing your heart and your poetry. We all are enriched by it…

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    • Frank says:

      Shadowlands, starting Friday it seems I have regressed. Monday was the first month’s anniversary. The ragged edges that were becoming merged all opened again. My sister’s sister-in-law said that it also happens to her as her Mother’s different dates come around. Her Mother has been gone, well much longer. There are times I wonder how you cope with all of everything. I think I need a roller coaster and you and we’ll go for a double ride!! Thanks, I feel better. Frank

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  2. Hi sweetie – I must echo Shadowlands here — your poetry is beautiful and so expressive. I remember when my Dad died – I knew it was coming, I was prepared, and I was a brave trooper. A few months later I was watching a movie in my family room and suddenly I found myself on the floor curled up in a ball crying hysterically and uncontrollably. We are never truly prepared no matter how much we try and be ready. Sometimes I think we just have to let the human part of us have its way and express whatever we need whenever we need — there is no right or wrong way to grieve – I don’t care what any professional says. We all grieve in our own way and our own time. I’m sending you a huge hug Frank, and please know that you are always in my prayers. Linda

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    • Frank says:

      Linda, You are extremely understanding, as Shadowland’s and others who respond. I think that is why I have gotten as far as I have because everyone is accepting of what my moment holds. I was so surprised, though, by how quickly a whole photo came tumbling in that held every detail so I could see it clearly. My mind didn’t miss a trick! Thank you for being you! A hug back and one for EmmaLou also…give her a biscuit for me!. Frank

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  3. sparkle333 says:

    Frank: For quite awhile I was a member, and then a Moderator on a Grief Discussion Board. It had helped me so much, during my time of grief, that I wanted to help others. I learned a lot during my time there.

    And one thing I know for sure, is that grief is both universal and solitary. No one has the exact same loss, or the exact same way of dealing with grief, and yet there are parts that can be shared and understood.

    When you are grieving, everything is okay and understandable. Perhaps it is the closest feeling to insanity there is. (And complicated by a sometimes too calm demeanor in public.)

    But it is true…until you have been there, don’t try to tell me you understand, because there is no real understanding, apart from losing one that you love so dearly, or even one who was an important part of your life. There is no finality like the finality of death, and there is no solution to it–no fixing it. It is done, and until we meet in heaven, there is no bandage for the hole in our heart, and the ache in our soul. (Only the hope of being reunited.)

    But when there are others who know…who have experienced that pain…there is a fellowship of understanding, that becomes a bond. Hearts ache in familiar ways, and tears fall from unbearable sorrow. And there is the aloneness that only the bereaved can grasp. The feeling that the world is not the same, and will never be again.

    There is no way to ever prepare for it, because even when we have done our best, we cannot comprehend the loudness of their absence. It is there at the table, and there in the chair, and on their side of the bed. It is everywhere, and in the most unexpected places as well.

    (An envelope with their name on it, a Christmas decoration that was their favorite, a pair of shoes hidden under the bed, a medicine bottle, or the scent of cologne.) And then there are the places, where their presence cannot be denied, and the rememberances that go with those places. And what about the songs, that are as alive with their memory, as their spoken words were?

    Grief is a journey, a process both cruel, and cathartic. And in the end, it is the only road to healing, though never to complete recovery. Loss is not something you “get over”. It can only be journeyed through, and you will be forever changed by that journey.

    Many prayers, Sparkle

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    • Frank says:

      Sparkle, okay get ready for this comment………somehow, you were able to subconsciously break from your Mother a long, long time ago, because if you hadn’t I would never have gotten the response you just gave me. The response comes from a caring, educated, logical woman who understands life. Ooops that tis you!!! But it is true, you have all these wonderful qualities–I just have to support you enough so that you listen to you–I do!! Thank you for this letter. I am going to tuck it into my own computer so I will keep it and refer to it. Sparkle you are a 10–You know that don’t you?
      Take care–Frank

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