One Month Ago……..


In just over four more short hours My Sunshine will have left a month ago.  Each day since then I have missed her. No longer is there activity in the house since Momma no longer needs help.  In response I have become very flighty and  start one task and move to the next.  It takes twice as long to get something done.  A friend has told me this is part of the grief process and if it is then I wonder what will I encounter next.

Logically I know she has passed away, yet I wander through the house talking to her, sometimes feeling like I have seen her and always needing to let her know where I am going.  The songs she loved so much play through the computer or from the CD.  They have become a salve when the day turns inward and  when “You Are My Sunshine” plays I remember to open my heart to her sunshine.

So many more things should have been said.  I am sure that everyone feels the same if they have experienced this grieving process.  A life time of talking suddenly seems truncated and you begin thinking that every reaction should be repeated again and again and that you should have known to have said these things.  If I did I probably would have caused my Mother to tell me to be quiet, something that she never said.

Momma was a special lady.  So often in the past, Momma saw young people in distress with their families or their parents had passed away.   Regardless of the situation, she befriended the children, guided them through the years until they were able to feel comfortable with their families, or kept in close contact with them as a very caring and interested surrogate Mother.  Momma’s heart was big and my sister and I never noticed any lack of love throughout all of our years.

The clock’s minute hand now nears the time Momma left.

Now the time has  passed that moment.  I placed a lit candle near her head reposed upon the pillow. Through the glow of the candle I see Momma clearly and bid her farewell as I did before.  As the candle glows in the darkened room I am reminded of the many nights I sat in this corner writing while Momma lay sleeping in her bed.  Now she rests for eternity.

One month ago, early in the evening you left,
the clock tolled shortly before five, but to me the time stood still.
Just before you left you rested your head a little closer to mine
and then I knew the Angel had come for you.

One month ago, early in the evening you, my anchor, went away.
Each day I think of you, each day I play your songs and remember.
Memories  now cherished and protected by my heart,
gives me your smile filled with your sunshine and love.

One month ago, early in the evening I will never forget
the moment you went with your Angel, down the path I couldn’t go.
Just down the path, then to cross the Rainbow Bridge and
you would be in Paradise safe from all the woes on earth.

One month ago, early in the evening is such a short time ago,
and  when it was two months before we still had time to love and laugh.
But, time doesn’t stop for us and in the midst of living I didn’t see,
I didn’t hear nor did I want to know the time was nearing.

And now I sit with you in my mind, as I did when I kneeled next to your bed.
and as always tell you of my sadness, my hopes and my wishes.
Once again I see, you, my Momma, with your head next to mine,
listening, remembering, helping me through this plight of mine.


2 thoughts on “One Month Ago……..

  1. My heart goes out to you, Frank, as I read of your grief, and how very much you miss your momma. In spite of all that you did for her, during her time of being ill and bedridden, I can tell that she also did so much for you. And she provided a listening ear-something rare in this world, as everyone is so preoccupied with themselves, and their own concerns.

    When I lost my step-father, I remember what it was like to see the familiar places and things associated with him-where he sat at the table, where he lounged in his recliner, and his workshop in the back yard. One day we went in to look for something, and it was as if time had stood still. There was a clock that he had been making on the shop table, and a cigarette poised in the ashtray, as though he had just walked away for a moment, and would be right back. And one time it was a robe on the back of the door in the house, or a pair of eyeglasses, that struck a chord in my heart. A bittersweet reminder of him, and yet a realization that he was not coming back. And once, it was simply a windmill that he had placed in the backyard, that reduced me to a fit of tears. So many memories.

    I can only imagine how many times you must have sat in the corner of the room, writing away, yet near enough to hear your mommas breathing, and to see her face on the pillows. The memories must at once, haunt you, and comfort you.

    Grief is a winding road, and a solitary one, in many respects. Just know that there are those of us who know the pain of loss, and that understand its many faces.

    Always, Sparkle


  2. Sparkle,
    That day, the day before and the one after was as agonizing a time as I ever had. You are right that grief is a winding road. I never no what will trigger or when. And those that haven’t experienced this will never know. You do. You have had justas much pain as I. Maybe a little differently, but emotional pain is emotional. I need to continue a little further. Thank you for being so helpful and patient with me.
    I am so glad to have met you–Frank


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