So many times, in the past, I have wondered when I will be at the point to enter Within Crepusculum. I asked myself, was there a particular age and conjectured that it certainly was no where near the age that I am. Unfortunately. I kept thinking about it as a year, a birthday, a definite milestone that I could post on the calender and be ready for it when it arrives.
That is very bad logic to conclude that the beginning of one’s twilight can be targeted with an actual date. When I think about that assumption, its almost as though I believe you should look at a calender and see your prearranged death date!!
Then, just the other day, I stopped what I was doing and realized I may never know beforehand. Its just going to happen one day. I think I will be doing something that I have always done so easily (This has to be a significant task, because if it wasn’t I doubt that I would pay much attention to it) and suddenly, I will realize I can’t do it or I can’t do it anywhere near as well as I did the year before. If this sort of thing happens all too often, maybe three to four times in a row, then I will take it as some kind of a sign.
Regardless, I am very aware that the years that have currently passed are piling up on my age, but I am determined, like my Mother was, not to be effected by their passage and not accept being older when I don’t feel that much older than I did a decade ago. We have a friend in Toronto who is four or five years older than me, yet he lives his life already within his twilight. I don’t think he has a spark of youthfulness about him and I realize he has had some health issues, but that certainly is not reason enough to consign yourself to your twilight years. The other unfortunate thing is that he does not understand what he has done to himself by responding to life negatively, which in turn allowed himself to be completely engulfed. It is sad to watch and recognize the crepuscular qualities he has. Lately he calls to tell us his other friends at home have asked to see him less than they used to do. In comparison to me, his actions significantly show that I haven’t even neared those years.
For a while, during this time of mourning, I found my self even more than just lethargic. I had days that I couldn’t think straight. During those days I had attempted to do some work that any other time I could have done quickly and simply. This time everything fell apart and it took me longer to plan than it has ever taken me. Immediately, I kept wondering, “Is this it, is this the way one starts to behave before they take that final step into the twilight?? Fortunately, I came to my senses and accepted that my actions were not signs of entering the dusk of life, but rather it was a symptom of grieving. It was a hard lesson to learn how to evaluate and now I can easily tell one from the other!!
When I finally realized my error, I came to a conclusion. First I accepted that I will be having many more scattered days, until more time has passed in my mourning. And that presently, my thoughts and the mourning I am experiencing are an opportunity for me to continue to grow and understand the world around me. It becomes a very difficult task for me to explore death and mourning and the beliefs that I have. To be able to accomplish this, I must see myself going though another whole segment of my life, a part that now I feel is integral to prepare me for the entrance into my crepusculum.