And what do I do to make there be a better thing next. I haven’t written for a short while. This is where I was to address my feelings, write it and not worry who is going to read the things in me these days. Sure on the other blogs I tell them my thoughts, but usually they have a little patine so that the truth is a little less intense.
So far I thought I had been getting better, but now, particularly today, I walked by a trigger and all the memories came flooding back, so real, so intense it was like everything just happened yesterday. A friend told me her grief counselor said that the tears should just flow regardless how much time as passed, and that they really are cathartic. Oh dear, I should be washed clean, yet I know the well is not dry in the least.
Today another poem tumbled out. Yesterday one came tumbling forth. Today’s poem was surprising even to me. I know it stems from the day my Mother said I should go with her. That was many, many months ago and I always felt bad for not really answering her. Now I sometimes believe it was a great idea. There are some days I am so very tired of going and going and going without coming to terms with the current life I have.
Here I am now in Phoenix and supposedly I am to plan my tomorrow. I am in no way ready.
And now the poem, and then to sleep–
Across the field, down the hill, around a corner,
up to a cloud, where do I go now to find the way.
Maybe a little higher, no maybe an angle is best,
better than nothing when I wonder where I go!
Where is it that I want to be that my car can’t take me,
is it somewhere here or do I go further into me?
Do you pray, try to laugh, float quietly through the maze,
or is this confusing path the upside down query within my head?
A little more time, that’s all I need to be where it is to be,
but tell me truly have I thought of what it is that should be?
Can I just decide I want to go and never take a thought,
or wonder what that flight might mean and do to me?
Oh where or where and how shall my summons be,
exceot when rain and mist and sun mingle one day.
Then before my eyes I too will nod my head and
close my eyes in joy as I see the Rainbow Bridge beckoning me.