Should I should i s h o u l —

Maybe, two months ago, I should have seen a grief conselor.  I had a premonition that if I didn’t I would feel the ramifications.  I think I was right.  Now, the affects of not doing so is beginning to show.

  • I have a terrible time sleeping.
  • I am not organized.
  • I am a blimp with no control over the binging.
  • I am in Phoenix and wish to be home.
  • Home, the safety of my Library is paramount to me.

Now, I wonder, what do I do.  I am only worried about my eating.  I have absolutely no self-will at this point.  In fact, I feel like I don’t give a damn.  At the same time, I also worry about what this fat midriff is doing to me.  I fear a heart attack.

I may fear a heart attack, but if I should get one then I prefer it to being massive, rather than having it bring me down, have me taken to a hospital and poked at endlessly.  That is torture to me.  I prefer that not be a reality.

Why, I hate hospital’s, I know what they can do and I can’t let that happen to me.  I can’t be there and be poked at looked at.  I was born the wy I am and because I hate the reality it makes me not want to be examined.  To many times I have been and I die a little each time.   I much prefer going to my grave without such untruthful poking!

Am I depressed.  It’s hard to say because usually I feel much differently when I am depressed.  Now I feel only to be in a la la land.  Thats it i just float through the environments and discussions I have.  Can’t seem to settle down and focus on what is beeing said.

I have to think all this out!

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