It has been many months since I have come to share my thoughts with my readers. I doubt that many of you are left, but possibly you will see this post and wonder, “Is it true–did he write!” Yes, it is time to write, it is time to use Crepusculum once more to help me sort out my thoughts, particularly those centered upon this state of life that I am in. No I did not make a mistake, I believe I am with in a very strange state where my life is experiencing not all things that are good.
The thing that makes me edgy is change. I don’t like it, yet how do you stop tripping on all the stumbling blocks along your life voyage. The little differences that affect me are the ones that plague my mind, yet humorously the changes that I have made happen to me are wonderful for me, but often not as fun for M. as he watches me becoming a less readable person.
It came to me one day–I stopped dead in my tracks and said, “Are you going to continue this way and die this way?” Next I asked, “If you don’t, then start loosening the mental restrictions you have always endured.” I did and it was like I took off a girdle. Suddenly my lifelong inhibitions started to crumble. At first, when I did a few things I had never done before, I stopped to take heed and lectured my self on being so indefinite. I thought, people aren’t supposed to be so dissolute. Pick yourself up and stop the nonsense.
Well, it wasn’t so easy. Those tiny little crumbs, the newness of unbridled life was so monumental that there was no stopping me. I had broken the shackles and I felt I had just a small chance to taste life in a wonderful new way. I knew I needed to because if I was expected to become Within Crepusculum one day, then my time before the entry into my dusk needed to be brilliantly, humorously, tastefully, possibly wantonly paved with exciting memories of now. If the twilight was only to be heralded with boredom then I was on my way to an eternally, troubled existence that would lead me to my last, darkest hours.
Then of course, this renaissance or even possible birth of independence, seems triggered by old haunts that I have had for years that are coupled with my continued grief and nonacceptance of my management of family and death during those pungent days of last November. Time will only tell if the closure that must come one day will rid me of my mind of blame and permanently open the the door of my Renaissance.