“If I am, well, then I am!!

For so long I haven’t written and now I will begin to find out if I can even write intelligently, humorously or with my poignant emotions guiding my fingers across the keyboard.  We, or I shall say you will be the judge of that in the future.

Yes, I am here, a little older, a little fatter, a little more introverted and extroverted at the same time and a lot not feeling so well.  The last 5 weeks have been awful.  There were days I couldn’t pick up a pencil or think.  I am better, but a long way to go to be back fully.

Thinking about me so much isn’t a good thing because then I have to face my own facts about me, how I think, feel and converse with others.  When I am not on the top of the heap I am not easy to get along with, particularly when a low grade fever accompanies me each day.

I have gotten so bad that at night when I am trying to sleep and everything feels  so bad , restless legs visit and I cannot be comfortable in any position I think, why God–take me now. That’s how awful I have felt and now tonight I feel a total relapse.  It comes and goes this terrible energy less, achy, feverish, hot, hot, nervous, stuffed nose and sinus headache feelings that quadruple anything I have ever been.  I think I am fine one minute and the next I barely can go on.  Before I said I am sick when I didn’t feel good, but this time its like an illness–a never ending, relentless hell.

Then, I reflect in two different ways.  Well, I am 63 and been around the block, abused my body in the past with diets and binges, diets and binges, sprayed my nose so many times its lucky I have a nose, binged some more, had a glass of wine (don’t care for it too much anymore so I usually pour it down the sink) and think why not, you are of “that” age to begin breaking down.  Then on the other hand, I know I am not about to give in.  God dammit, I have a right to enjoy life and I will not put up with being held down.  This year I went to India (that is a whole other post with movies that I must write and get posted) and enjoyed myself immensely.  I still have so much I want to see and and experience that I can’t let something get to me so much.  And so I have returned here.

I am here and I wonder if I am  entering my own Crepusculum and say, “Well, maybe I am there now??”   I smile if I am because the twilight of life is now a friend I have journeyed twith hrough my posts and shared and learned so much from my readers  about their fears or their reflections of being in it that I must say, “If I am, well, then I am!!

 

 

 

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