A Pill: Tis a question to take!

Depression |diˈpre sh ən|, is an old friend to me.   I am always curious to know what ancient words are its root.  The late Middle English, depressio (n-) comes from the Latin word, derived from deprimere “press down”.   The root words, as with many, are softer and more romantic sounding than the contemporary.  I can’t imagine, though, the condition was any less than today.

Often on is depressed for a short time caused by a specific event or thought.  Usually the depression burns out after a while and all is well, whether or not during the recovery time medication was prescribed.

Then there is clinical depression which is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.  Unfortunately, once depression sets in it can run a lifetime, or continue the rest of your life from the point of onset.  Probably, I do not know if I was depressed as a child.  I look back to my childhood and analyze what I remember of how I acted and felt.  There were many reasons why I might have been depressed, but I cannot remember that I felt like I have the last seventeen years.

Everyday has a slight grey cloud over it, but fortunately I have learned to adapt and think of the better days as clear with lots of sunshine.  Then without any warning the tide begins to change into a dark soup that remains steady until if passes on.   At times, an event or a thought or phrase can trigger the depression, but most times it just happens.  Each time I see the psychiatrist she asks how dark are my days, do I think of ending my life  and if I do should  I consider another antidepressant or do I think a larger dose is better.  The last year I simply answer that I will not consider a change or and increase of dosage and than regardless of medication’s power I will remain being depressed.

Medicine can only do so much.  Antidepressants are fine, but so far out of the six different types I have taken I always experience negative side effects and have found  none of them can keep me out of depression everyday and night.  It is just impossible.  Whether I take the pill, or not, I a state of depression is evident.   It is a part of my life and I accept that each year it gets a little worse.

The older I get I know I should always take an antidepressant or should I just go off.    This has become a battle for me because raised dosages makes me feel less than I am.  Rather than strengthening my concentration and clarity, the increased dosage causes me to feel outside of my body looking and wondering what is this that surrounds me.   Some of the pills cause even more havoc.  Even today, I asked M. how I am and how i react to him.  While on a drug he always tells me my mind wanders and my concentration is less.

Ah, tis a question of do I or don’t I take a pill that can or can not help my depression.  Tis not easily solved.


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