Many, many years have passed in my life. Much of my behavior, my ways of dealing with life have stayed the same and I never believe a person can change his existing behavior. It is because of my belief, at sixty-five I question if the ball in the game I play can ever change to a better court? Unfortunately, we form at an early age without an opportunity to decide our own basic building blocks nor are we able to question or control our progress.
Each night I vow that tomorrow offers another chance. I list all my uncontrollable actions and face them truthfully. I certainly am not stupid. I know that every glob of food I eat, that is not part of pure sustenance, allows me to gain another pound. Each year since 1995 I have lost the struggle for thinness . Each year the scale goes up and then it goes down, yet over that period of years I still go up and up. Pre-1995 was a period of awakening to everything. It seemed easier to hold my weight within a very small window of change.
My bingeing, once controlled to some degree, now stalks me every hour of the day and many hours in the night. I feel me. I know what is going on inside and outside of me. I understand good, the bad and now the ugly that has rolled in!! My vows at night do little good. By the time I get up a few hours later I forget there ever was a vow to control me. It is just after this time that I am aware of what little control I have over myself. I realize the wanting, vowing, and failing periods cycle continually and “eat” up whatever psychological energy I may have left.
To let me take my journey without thought will only lead me to a disaster from which I can not return.
I understand fully what “disaster” may mean. I understand, yet continue on as I am.
It is to clear that the ball will never ever change courts for me.
I am my enemy!