The past few days, most likely because of forty-five minutes working in the garden, my side and a line following my breast bone returned to its former paining annoyance, as well as, having my sinus’ flare up at the same time. My ice pack has again become my close friend . If I do a little too much the annoying pain drops my energy down and then my sinus’ make sure I trundle off to bed for a nap. Today, I napped more than the time I have been productive.
Unfortunately, I am not able to finish the lined drapes I am making for someone. I thought for sure that the project’s end would be one day before the weekend. Now I hope that I can finish them by the beginning of next week.
Life doesn’t always go the way you want. My brother-in-law is staying with us for the next ten days. He no longer wants to live in the assisted living residence he is in. Unfortunately, he has Alzheimer’s. During most of his days he is cherry. Some days are better and some days confusion is paramount, but he keeps going, looking forward to another hour, or day that will be good to him and filled with the things he can enjoy. Fortunately, he is well off and home, care now and in the future isn’t a problem.
My condition concerned him today. While I was in the den he came to chat. There are days chatting is hard, but today it was good for him and me. While chatting he simply said to me that he feels one day I will be fine. He also is quite aware of my monumental weight gain and once again spoke about understanding that to return to what I was will happen, that he, his family and M support me and their only worry is that I want it too fast to happen. He has known me for forty years and has always been consistent with me, so when he talked to me I realized that even through the mind of Alzcheimer’s it was important to him to show care and support for me.
Even though I am kind and helpful to him and available if he needs to talk or ask me to do something when he calls, it never occurred to me that regardless of his condition, the confusion in his memory and through the daily degeneration he experiences, he still has compassion and concern for me and others. More importantly, he has one of the most debilitating diseases we humans can get, yet he enjoys life and is patient and accepting of his uncontrollable transformation.
A good example for me and other to see that we have much less to deal with in their lives than he does.
Patience and acceptance are most important in dealing with those pebbles we stumble over or the mountains that may erupt in front of us! Adjusting ourselves to be patient and accepting is what I need to work on!!
There is something about fat, specifically the fat padding every part of my body, which continually becomes more! Two nights ago after having dinner I caught an unsightly reflection in the restaurant window. It was me! I have often been fat, lost weight, gained weight and lost the fat again during my many years of eating, but the person I saw in the reflection was a person that had gone way past the point of control.
I have no control. The refrigerator beckons me each hour–sometimes every minute. I go and eat something even if I have just had a nosh of a calorie laden dish.
Yesterday, once again, I placed an order with Medifast. I really detest the flavor and consistency of their food packages, yet if I can adhere half way to the plan I will lose enough to break my present pattern of eating, but there always is a price to pay. The food packages are dehydrated and is laden with additives that are to sustain the nutrients you need when dieting. The additives make the food taste slightly of old iron, a quality I have never acquired a hankering for and that cause my body to move into constant constipation.
Regardless, it is time to take the fat wrapped around my midriff, on my pork chops and in all the other places I have stashed it and get rid of it. I am sure once I lose the first leg of this journey I will be able to breathe much better. Now, after my surgery, I feel the fat forcing me to breathe harder with every foot steps.
Yes, there is something about fat…...on me……….
- it is disgusting
- By allowing myself to binge and gain, the fat has gotten me to the look like a blimpy, walrus
- When it finally leaves, in return for my negligence, I will be blessed with loose flab!
One day, far in the future, a pill may correct a gene to stop obesity.
Most likely I will be dead.
So for the rest of my days I will continue to say that “there is something about fat”!
When it is necessary, I go somewhere and twiddle my thumbs while I wait for energy to rally again. The quiet time is when boredom strikes and provokes my mind to search for the next bit of project I can do, without considering whether I have finished what I was working on before. I have always started new before finishing an old project, yet now I do this more than before.
Already, today, in the early morning hours I have started one thing, gone on to the next and disregarded that I have to do a few chores before the cleaning woman arrives. Then in the middle of all of this I sat on the sofa playing games on Facebook for too long and forgot I left the cat out side in the dark. When I remembered she was no where in sight. I called her but she wouldn’t ever answer me. Finally, there she was. I told her to come in and she told me no. Just a few minutes later was her chosen time to come in. All in all the little escapade took away the boredom, but left a residual layer of nervousness to deal with.
I probably would be back playing games on Facebook, if I didn’t choose to write this down. Both hopefully will bring calm to me. Some of Facebook’s games are so senseless that if I have a brain to play them. Day after day, trying to keep me in check during this period of convalescent, the games give the mind with senseless activity which keeps other thoughts from germinating.
Well, I am happy that games offer some way of escaping from the thoughts to start more projects by filling in the restful period. But I will not agree that the cat was innocent. Her independence got me nervous even though boredom was the real cause!!
Three days from now I will have an anniversary, a one month anniversary since I had a lower-left lung lobectomy. I am still unsure of what I think or feel about this change in my life. At times, when my left chest is quiet and not bothering me, it is life like it was and then, depending on a movement I quickly remember, although, when I remember I understand everything, yet it is as if I am under a veil of silk that protects me from reality. The veil guards me from viewers, by not allowing them to easily see the form within. It is as if I am the form and I am also the viewer of the form.
The form knows everything, has been through every step of life before this surgery, during it and now. The form prefers the memories be left as undefined as possible and so, it prefers placing a protective veil over itself so that outside chatter about the present change will not puncture its world. Part of the problem is that I accept what has happened, without questions that will define the future. I know that when I am up doing the things that I shouldn’t be doing and that make me exhausted and worn is all part of preferring the veiled existence.
I also am very sensitive that my inner family members are extremely concerned and so I promise to rest, lay down, play games on the computer, yet all I want to do is do what I did before and how I did it. The first couple of days in this week were busy. Some with shopping and appointments and lengths of time where I did as I wished, yet yesterday and today had big doses of penance. When exhaustion, nervousness and discomfort set in I know that to live under a silk veil is not the way to go.
Three more days and an anniversary certainly are not paramount events. What is most important is that I accept what has happened, take the time to heal properly and hope that every other anniversary will bring the close of another year that has gone well for me.