Three days from now I will have an anniversary, a one month anniversary since I had a lower-left lung lobectomy. I am still unsure of what I think or feel about this change in my life. At times, when my left chest is quiet and not bothering me, it is life like it was and then, depending on a movement I quickly remember, although, when I remember I understand everything, yet it is as if I am under a veil of silk that protects me from reality. The veil guards me from viewers, by not allowing them to easily see the form within. It is as if I am the form and I am also the viewer of the form.
The form knows everything, has been through every step of life before this surgery, during it and now. The form prefers the memories be left as undefined as possible and so, it prefers placing a protective veil over itself so that outside chatter about the present change will not puncture its world. Part of the problem is that I accept what has happened, without questions that will define the future. I know that when I am up doing the things that I shouldn’t be doing and that make me exhausted and worn is all part of preferring the veiled existence.
I also am very sensitive that my inner family members are extremely concerned and so I promise to rest, lay down, play games on the computer, yet all I want to do is do what I did before and how I did it. The first couple of days in this week were busy. Some with shopping and appointments and lengths of time where I did as I wished, yet yesterday and today had big doses of penance. When exhaustion, nervousness and discomfort set in I know that to live under a silk veil is not the way to go.
Three more days and an anniversary certainly are not paramount events. What is most important is that I accept what has happened, take the time to heal properly and hope that every other anniversary will bring the close of another year that has gone well for me.