Mornings Now, Tomorrow’s Mornings?

Each morning after I awaken and stretch once or twice, I am ready to touch my feet to the floor and see what the first moment of the new day brings me.  Lately, I hobble to the bathroom, then return to the bed and get back in, or being stupid, I pack up my computer and decide to go downstairs.  The stairwell is always dark and  I need to make sure I feel for the edge of the first step and the handrail.   Once downstairs, I think I should not have come down so I head to my office to take a rest, usually I sit on the sofa and  fall asleep.

When I wake this second time, the ability to feel better should available.  Not always is the case and when it is a sluggish day it will stay that way all day.

Not long ago, I arose early and while having coffee planned my day.  Most days I chose to work in my garden and I started around 6:00 a.m.  It’s a great time to do what you like to do, pulling the weeds, raking and trimming and bring a particular part back into its original beauty.   While I worked I talked to the plants making sure they were happy or telling them that they had a choice to survive or go!  

Now those times are a thing of the past, hopefully, one day they will return.  The loss of doing as I wish isn’t pleasant.  For now I am subject to how I respond to Chemo and after having my second round of treatment yesterday I wonder how I will react this time or will it be an easier time than the first round of Chemo.   Today, I trudged downstairs to get a few things done that were not difficult to do, yet by the time I finished I wanted to return upstairs.  I was daunted by the stairway as I stood at the bottom looking up.  Suddenly the top was farther away than it is.  I took a deep breath, grabbed the railing and headed up the great expanse of steps!

Well, I am the one that caused my plight and I should not complain, but this state of life is one that I do not care for, so I must wait and see what happens.  TIS not the best quality of life.  I wonder, will that all change one day in one tomorrow?

Now I Know

When I wrote my first poem, I didn’t realize how cathartic they could be.  By the time I wrote the third one I became aware  of how easily I could express my emotions.  Most all the poems I have written deal with the grief that I feel within, but as time continues to move forward I realize they also allow me to understand more of life and to look beyond my own back yard.  The poems merge with the expressions of help in your responses and the combination becomes a salve that within time cause new thoughts that become stronger building blocks for my own wisdom.

The emotions I write about opens my heart and as I look out into a new day I feel a little better and if need be I could be more compassionate to someone else who is hurting and understand when it is time to lock the door and get tough.

Life is a precious commodity and we each have our own discoveries.  When we share them we learn from each other, or give the support that I have been shown through the kindness of your heart.  If I had not had to experience the unknown circumstances of my Mothers passing I would be a little less able to help someone else, but Now I Know

Now I know, Now I know what it is
that before I could never understand.

Now I know what that time is like
and understand what has been known forever.

How many times did I wonder, worry and fret over what I didn’t know.
Did I guess at any time the full extent of what it would really be like?

Oh no, never in my wildest imagination could I know,
Could I have known pain as I know now,
could I feel loneliness that wraps my throat and chokes me from the air.

Would I have thought the days and the nights become one,
would I guess how little I  would not understand once it happened.

And could I ever have know what it is like to have panic hitting the heart,
or know that, possibly one tear can turn a person toward uncontrollable agony.

Would I have ever guessed what this time is like,
or would I have thought that there was no need, if I was prepared.
Can you ever guess right about being  prepared correctly?
Ah, yes if you go to a luncheon you will have been given the time and the place.

This day and future days come regardless of any preparation…..
your memories  sting and gouge and make new thoughts to surprise and cause you pain.

They lap at your tears and delight  in making you distraught.
It is a day without caring for you and the days to follow, well there is an unknown plan for them.

Then without expectation there comes a day–

with first light I look out of the window, then into the room and for the first time I understand.