Today, Tomorrow and Always

Momma Oval2

Within a few short days, the fifteenth of November will arrive, the day that Momma left.  I miss her  today even more than a year ago.  The days since she left have never been the same because there is always an emptiness in me, something that was never felt before.  Momma was my anchor, a guide that stabilized me since I was born.  Now,  I flounder occasionally  and when I do I look up to the place way above, to “Al di La”, where Momma looks down.  It is a place way up over the clouds, where Momma  goes to when she knows her spirit needs to tend my life.  Soon I feel her little hand touching my shoulder and it brings me the comfort she alone can bring.

Her favorite songs are still able to evoke raw grief, sweet memories and heartfelt love for her.  Tears will brim in my eyes and trickle down my cheeks whenever I play “You are my Sunshine” and  when Sarah Brightman sings, “It is time to Say Good-Bye”.  I know everyone wants me to say “good bye” but I never will.

Momma will always live  poignantly alive in my heart.  To think that a soothing balm may help me is ridiculous in reality.  Momma is as special to me as she was during each day I shared with her in my life.   She guided, loved without question and was always there.  On particular times I know she still is there and that nothing has changed.  When I drive, Momma is there in the front seat as always and I hold her little hand.  Recently, on the drive to Florida, there were two times that if she hadn’t been there I would have fallen asleep, yet her spirit was so strong it guided me through that desperate period.  And at night, when sleep doesn’t come, or being upset  becomes overwhelming,  I realize a warm and gentle calmness begins to surround me and I fall a sleep.

My little one remains with me regardless of what skeptics may say.  Grief doesn’t stop, not when the love during a life was so strong, regardless of what the relationship is.  Grief comes and goes at its will and one never knows when something will trigger it to return stronger than ever.  In grief, can come the most wonderful moments in your life.  Momma continues to fulfill my request to her that she always remain

“My Sunshine, for all of my days!”

Today, Tomorrow and Always you will remain in my heart,
held tenderly with love wrapped around you.

Today, Tomorrow and Always will be filled with my loss,
yet each of those days I know you are there.

Today, Tomorrow and Always I look to Al di la
and as my eyes meander through the clouds I feel you there.

Today, Tomorrow and Always I remember the night you left
and tears fill my eyes and my loneliness is more.

Today, Tomorrow and Always I know you are here
because deep in my heart you stay and your little hand touches my shoulder.

Then finally, Today, Tomorrow and Always will change.
On that day of mine, you will be there in Al di la waiting.

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Each Day I Know

Hidden, deeply within LJ, going without much notice, is heaven to me  It is the best of everything where I can write what I feel without replies that try to make me feel good when I don’t feel like it.  I am considering closing my other blogs and just writing  here–hidden away in my own world.



EACH DAY I KNOW

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Each day Momma, I worry the span of time grows to great,

First, a month, then two and then the weeks turn to the next month.

Each night Momma, I lay in the darkness and see you where you are,

First, beneath cold Iowa soil then, far, far up beyond the stars and moon.

 

Each day Momma, I yearn to touch the cheek once more to soothe the ache,

To pray the touch be real but fear it to be from the hearts own mind.

Each night Momma, I reached out, as in times before, to you in your bed,

With fingers curled and with a gentle touch the velvet cheek is there for me.

 

Each day Momma, I pray that others may understand my need to grieve,

For years, I knew my days of unrest to be eternal with in this lifetime loss.

Each day and night Momma, the sun shine as your smile, the flower’s bloom your energy,

Then, when night unfolds, your memories float by until dawn is born to the horizon.

 

Each day Momma, I know others may think me strange,

Moreover, I do not care what tongues wag or that eyes cast a sneer.

Let them talk, with gossip passed between closed minds

As they question the soundness of my thought, for in my heart I know.

 

I know to Remember

My days continue on much the same.  Some are better, but usually within the period of a couple days a tug, a wince, a another’s story triggers my emotions and for a short while I am in limbo.  I trudge through the house, hearing not much but emptiness, except an occasional creek from the snow on the roof..  I have come to a new point.  I know Momma is dead.  Monday is one month, but as I look around my mind prefers thinking that she is here and sometimes I walk in for a quarter of a brief second she is there.  It gives me a start and makes me believe she will be here again.  It begins the cycle of not believing all this could happen, but I really do believe she off resting and just wanted to be alone for a short time..

I know to Remember–

I walk by your picture, I pause as I pass where your bed was,
I walk on and wonder how to understand what to see,
yet  my mind toys with me and it tells me over and over you are still here–
Where I wonder, but then I ask are you just away?

I saunter on to the next room, but before I leave I tell you,
“I’ll be back”, I say “I’m going to the next room, I’ll see you there.”
But then how can that be when I know my eyes and my mind plays tricks;
where I wonder, but then I ask are you just away?

The house stays so quiet and at times I hear the snow fall against the house,
I jump for a moment, because I know that is you returning.
With a smile on my face I head toward the noise and stop–
where I wonder, but then I remember you are just away!

Your songs play from the computer and I see us dance as we did long ago,
I dance through the rooms just as we did on the farm when you were teaching me
and then the music goes from a waltz to another beat and my heart stands still,
where I wonder, but then I remember you are just away………

Yes, you are just away for now, whether I see you or not,
I know you are just somewhere, out there just beyond the door.
Just beyond the door I know that you will be waiting and no longer
do I need to wonder, I know to remember you are just away………