To Ponder

At odd times I begin to ponder on a “why” about me.  It is a mysterious moment when I see nothing that gives salve to my “why” and then in one minute of one hour on any one day I metaphorically trip over my feet and find centered smack-dab between my ears a coagulum of brilliant colors leading me towards an idea.

The ease at which this happens is never the same.  Usually, I am aware of what I search, yet at other times my head feels blank and I feel empty without a quest to need.   I blankly stare into space.  Inside my head, between my ears,  a malleable wall blocks thought.  I know that is what needs to change so that even a “why” can form.

The wall begins to change into a myriad of tiny dots of color.  The dots are randomly placed and remind me of a disorganized pointillist painting.  Subconsciously I have formed a puzzle of dots and put them in a sequence of color showing a message;  one that will help me understand myself even more.

To see and listen to what the dots represent, to reorganize them into an understanding is similar to being in a maze without a definite path to get out and often leads you back to the beginning.   If I stop at first try I know a part of me will be lost in this labyrinth of brilliant dots.  To continue is never questioned, to continue until its story is before me will the path to understanding myself. 

Pondering, as many thinks, is not a waste of time, not a foolish or childish act, nor is it something that will never give you insight.  It is a bit like meditation.  Each method of opening a door allows a greater understanding of yourself.

To keep going, to have the strength and perseverance to gather an answer for yourself is gratifying.  After understanding the “why” the next greater question is should you share?  You can only answer this yourself, although check this to decide if this is a wise move.  Remember, just because your mysterious “why” has been answered it doesn’t mean you need to go public with your information.  Maybe if we ponder on that another answer will come!


Tragedy Looms at the Edge of Time

Quite often the phrase: “Tragedy Looms at the Edge of Time”, scratches at me like a cat pawing and abrading my leg for a pet.   I do as she wishes, bend and pet her and she purrs in contentment, but her hair lingers on my pant leg.

As with the cat hair, the  expression pops out and lingers afterward causing me to question its meaning.  I fantasize that this place  lives within my mind and I imagine that it knows all about me, including a forecast of my future moments.  I think that if I dare dip into its quagmire I  will be overcome by squelched visions of hate, buffeted by fleeting dreams of hope, wrenched by truths I have ignored, twisted by each manipulation I have felt, hear once more the taunts from long-ago bullies and relive the anguish of grief.

The thought of all that tires me. I feel a bit overwhelmed and find it is necessary to understand much more and how it pertains to me.

Tragedy: How does this relate to me?  Tragedy should cause distress and great suffering.  I feel none although I wonder if I should?
Edge: As a noun  it presents itself as mean, a line or border at which a surface terminates, thus also referring to at a brink or on the verge of something somewhere.  Could this edge mean that change which has never set well with me is approaching.
Looms: A strong verb that brings many images to my mind.

    • To come into view as a massive, distorted, or indistinct image
    • To be in the mind in a magnified, threatening form.
    • To seem imminent; impending.

Should I interpret these meanings and believe that my mind is a prophet proclaiming a threat to my existence?  I have never smiled on change, nor has any one other than myself decided new directions for me.

As I continue exploring I find that I am not the only one that knows this phrase and others  have developed their own explanation for it.    If I wish to put this to rest I should take the easiest way out and accept that the phrase is not an idiom, but rather that it is nonce phrase.  Nonce explains only in a  temporary present.

Whatever I can gain in the present moment the nonce suggests that the answer will come by the end of the present day.  This doesn’t bring much resolution so I thought that  I should look at the nonce antonyms.  When I do I am left with the past and the future.

Originally, I  imagined that this phrase knows all about me in the current moment.  Now I realize that information must be redirected to  the past or include it in the future forecast.   Basically there are 3 moments that revolve continually.  Two of them record and record what was present.  In memory they are part of the past or part of future thought.

Finally, I realize the edge of time is my unconscious mind working.  It is where I must have balance in my life, it is a fleeting time of decision.  The edge of time becomes an imaginary border where if  I  verge on without judgement tragedy will loom out over me in an unwanted threatening form. 





During each of these days–

Continually I am asked by the ones that are closest to me, “Are you fine?”  “What is the matter?” “No I don’t think that is the reason, so what is it?”  If I try to answer the first two questions, most likely I receive the third question in response to my answer.

This brings me to a point in my life where I ask a question, “Why is it when I say what is the problem, I am told that my reason is justified and that I don’t understand the situation.  The situation is mine I think and after all this time of living I should hope that I know what my situation is.  But, there is a difference.  When I was young I would never think of telling someone what was bothering me.  Now I do and I think that is the basic problem.  I was an expert at covering up what I was feeling.  Well, how could I tell them when my self esteem was even lower than it is now.  Back then I felt I could never be truthful because I felt that the truth would hurt me more than them.

Now, it feels more important to me to tell the truth.  Yes I suppose I could sugar-coat it a little, but then usually these same people don’t sugar coat much for me.  One is M. who is so troubled with the way that I am, particularly in my reaction to acquaintances and friends, as well as himself.  Well, as two examples of his worry,  one friend has used up all the care and help that I have for her.  I have helped and helped and been there, and been there for her and what have I gotten in return is a plea for more help.  I just don’t have more to give since now I feel I must take care of me and so I stay away as quietly and politely as I can.  Another is a new acquaintance, who I thought might become a good friend.  When I realized that the “the sale–the job–the inevitable bit of money made” was more important than understanding what I wanted and dealing with it.  Yes I was the client, but it didn’t seem to matter much.  I was quickly told that I should understand that what I wanted to happen, (I had full rights to ask for what I wanted)  went against the grain of the acquaintance.  I understood in a moment that the commission in the sale was the most important.  Well, as I am known to do, the axe fell on this supposed relationship and now I am questioned why I made the decision I did.

I often think that this is the most appropriate time in my life to say what I am, what I want and how I see it.  If I don’t act now on my beliefs what am I going to do during that long journey with in my Crepusculum.  I can just imagine how my care can take quick turns that I don’t believe in.  That fact is catalyst enough for me to know I must grab a hold of my own life and start letting everyone know my wishes.  I just can’t sit in the quiet “corner” any longer.  This is all different to me as it is to the others who question me, but I believe this current life turmoil and questioning must be during my transition  from quiet toad sitting on the side of life, to a new, determination that makes people say, “Guess I can’t run over him any longer!”  Its not easy to change.  If you are  like me then agree  to  take a chance to stake out your independence.  Grab a hold of your wishes and sell them boldly to all you meet.  That little change will make you begin to see that it is possible to journey through Crepusculum with a modicum of respect and enjoyment.

Through the Gray There Will Be!!

This post is warmly dedicated to

Shadowlands and Tauna

to each I send much love………

In my own way I am very determined to make my new path so that when I step within my Crepusculum,  I will be able to breathe a sigh and say, “You made It–You made it Your Way!!!”  And when I say that. I want to be able to jump, to wave, to sing, to laugh joyously, to know that at that moment I am happy and that I will continue to make my days happy.  Nor will I feel sad that I have entered that era of my life.  It should and will be a time to rejoice that I am that mature, that I have worked to be happy and that I am ready for what tomorrow brings me.

In this world of gray that I live, the one that will continue to jettison me to my renaissance, is a world that I have to remember there will  only be a few people close to me that say “Its good, you will make it, you follow your heart and do it your way!”  That’s the key of the gray because so many good-willed people forget that each of us, no matter how much we are nudged, can only do it ourselves.  The gray in life isn’t just the overcast sky caused by a dense cloud cover, it is much closer, it is the part of me that is overwhelmed, filled with thoughts and emotions and so thick that it is impossible to sort, sift or dispense with easily.  Then that gray begins to grow even more thickly simply because there is a lack of seratonin in me.  So many things causes the gray.  Each human’s gray is filled with different reasons, although some can be similar.  My gray, for instance,  is filled with ongoing grief, guilt, ambivalence in relationships, some friendships and not being industrious to set a groundwork for a personal legacy.

Months have passed and the majority around me urge me to just get on with it.  Its time you pulled yourself out from where you are, the time has been too long, they say.  Then there are others who wish never to acknowledge that there ever was something that allowed me to slide, slide pitifully into the densest of grays.  Its quite an experience if you have never been there.  You don’t think to well, you don’t care to write, thank god because the words just aren’t in the head.  Most days and hours you are not attentive.  You don’t care about anything even yourself.  Then  sleeplessness walks in, non-stop eating makes itself at home in your head and further withdrawal from sharing continues until it is nearly extinguished.  Yet for me, there remained two remarkable people who never expected more from me than what I was for any particular day.  Never did they coax me to change, yet their contact with me was always supportive in a wonderfully quiet way.  These two rare people know me the best of anyone because I tell them everything and they listen and   let me know they are always there.

Well, now there is a little break in that gray that wraps around me.  Yes I decided that I needed to begin living, but that does not mean that I give up and accept all the reasons for the gray.  I think perhaps what is unique that this little beginning of Renaissance in  life allows me to continue to sift and sort, heal and pamper all the emotions in the gray.  In fact, it gives me new tools to see and to evaluate and to come to terms with myself.  My two special people have unknowingly given me more help than anyone.  It is destiny I believe that brought each of us together.  One is like a sister to me who knows me so well and can tell when something is wrong, who has gone through more grief and pain than anyone should have  to bear and yet has always given  me continual support and prayer.  The other person, simply put has become my Sage, with enough wisdom to set confusing matters straight in a quiet way, yet also is plagued by many physical problems.  I think that is why they both are so special and their words are taken so easily to heart.  Each has their own pain in living but each have always been willing to give support by sharing their own adversity.

And, during this whole time of nothing, of pushing gray to one side only to find it coming back again, I continually thought what my Mother believed in so strongly and that was of Tomorrow.  Now I do think of tomorrow and also have noticed that when I see someone not smiling or not being pleasant I often tell them that smiling makes a big difference in life, smiling is like a ray of golden sun and if you share that ray of sun with others you will find you receive much warmth and understanding in return.

As I write I smile because during all this gray I have begun to grow from within.  There is much more compassion, much more logic than before and possibly if I look hard enough I will see that wisdom has rested with the walls of my heart.  Yes, there still is so much more that I need to do, to work on.  But only in the last few days has this begun to happen.  I know there will be more that I will be able to understand and a fresh willingness to want to explore life.  It will all come in good time and only when I am ready.  But for now I am pleased that I have my little beginning to a Renaissance at it will lead me to the next stage where I can grow just a little more.

To those who are uncomfortable with me and my gray I promise to be more cautious with whom I share my life.   Some people just can’t handle my past and current emotional state.  That’s fine with me–because I do believe that through the gray there will be life.

Seeking Similitude and Finding Answers

With the inception of Within Crepusculum its meaning has been infused with stories and musings that I have written to help me understand how I feel about entering the next period of my life. At the present time I am at a precipice of my twilight, teetering between the life that I have only known, to a life that I feel will have many chapters of pages that might include life changing stumbling blocks. Even though I do not know the time of my arrival, I do not hasten to experience an interim destination. Presently, I believe that the human twilight will probably begin around the age of retirement and so I should not waste time in exploring the obstacles that I am sure are there.

In my writings, held in the spirit of musing or in the true stories of others, I try to discover the equations that may provide a peaceful existence in the dusk of life. Because of this quest, there is little time for me to be free from thought on the aging process; it is always with me and if I am successful in my exploration then at the end of this particular journey I should be ready for any perplexity.

Over the past months, I often surf the web for blogs that are like mine. Any likeness in thought is a welcomed event, particularly since Within Crepusculum has been placed in the category of death and dying by a major, blog identifier, I am now interested in comparing other blogs to see how they may be categorized or what categories are used within the blog. I understand how that error could have innocently occurred; yet, I feel my thoughts are not that ambiguous. Since I have begun looking for another blog, I have yet to find one that questions how a person can try to prearrange solutions to the pitfalls of being elderly or explore how any individual needs to accept the later years in life. Instead, there are many informational blogs from government institutions, blogs from nurses addressing care for elderly patients in hospitals, hospice and nursing homes, as well as, a plethora of blogs and articles on elder abuse and elder suicide.

The informational sites are helpful with information on mental and physical health issues, however most of them do not address any personal issues. Nonetheless, I continue search for personal accounts, thoughts, the sum total of man’s intellectual worry about the aging process because it is not just enough to know how to invest your money, where you should live, how you should life of, what should you do if you can’t.

During one particular search, one of the sites listed on Google was Eons at The description of the site is:

We’re the online community for BOOMers!

· Stay in touch with your friends and make new ones

· Join or start Groups to fuel your passions and interests

· Play games, build your brain, and have fun!

During the first couple of months I visited Eons for a few times each month I filled out a profile, I made the pages look pretty, I clicked on any of the tabs and then I signed out. One time, without thinking much about what I was doing, signed in and clicked on groups, which I had never done before. The next screen caused a little thought to decide which group to visit. I chose Groups, and then browse by groups and on to categories of general groups. Finally I curiously clicked on Caregivers for Elderly Parents, then on to another group: ” Looking to the Future” or Last Love Standing–Guardianship.

Each time I read the individual group’s vision and purpose I realized this site provides much discussion about the concerns I explore in Within Crepusculum. Then, sheepishly, I realized this site has features that might interest some of my readers. There are groups that provide support for many areas life encounters. There are groups that are humorous, entertaining and some are very informative.

The following is a short overview of Eons, in which I intend not to endorse, but rather simply to introduce readers to so that they may visit it and decide for themselves. There is also a Blog for members, which also was an area to find information for many platforms.


Eons: The online community for BOOMers!

explore the areas on Eons

Eons Group Categories

Body & Health (504 groups)
Fun (1112 groups)
Learning (189 groups)
Love (642 groups)
Money & Careers (209 groups)
Travel (124 groups)

From a blog on Eons:

Is Aging a State of Mind?

posted 3 days ago


Does a person’s attitudes about aging affect how they age? The American Federation for Aging Research (AFAR) is trying to find the answer and welcomes input from the Eons community. Please take our survey at view link
Your answers will help us determine how attitudes toward aging influence health behaviors.
Results will be part of AFAR’s Campaign for Successful Aging, a public education initiative designed to address societal misconceptions about aging and promote healthier aging and will be shared with the public this summer.
For more information about healthy aging based on the latest scientific research, please visit
We also welcome your comments about your successful aging strategies.




Testosterone and aging posted about 1 month ago

Men also experience age-related hormonal changes

by S. Mitchell Harman, Eons contributor

Is there a male menopause? Not precisely, but there are certainly significant hormonal changes as men age. A decrease in the level of testosterone in the body begins in the thirties and continues at a relatively constant rate into old age. This is accompanied by other hormonal changes, including a tendency to secrete more adrenal steroids in response to stress.

Although there is no proven relationship between low testosterone and diminished sexual response during aging, it has become clear that a substantial percentage of men over the age of 65 would be diagnosed as testosterone deficient if they were younger.

In addition, a number of research studies have documented that aging brings a decline in sexual activity and quality and quantity of erections, as well as a loss of desire for sexual activity and an increase in the length of time men report being comfortable without sex.

In one study, fewer than 20 percent of men 70 years and older reported consistently adequate erectile function, and nearly 40 percent rated their erectile function as “little or none.” In the same study, approximately 15 percent of men age 70 and over reported desire for sex more than once weekly, and 35 percent had no sexual desire. In yet another study, approximately 50 percent of men ages 70-79 reported moderate or complete loss of erectile function, compared with only 25 percent of men 40-49 years of age.

Is a decline in testosterone responsible for these changes? It appears from experiments in a number of animal species that testosterone affects sexual behavior and the ability to have erections, but this has not been proven in humans. Based on animal experiments, low testosterone levels also seem to contributes to age-related changes in fat and muscle. However, only a thorough battery of studies that determine whether or not testosterone replacement slows or reverses these changes will confirm the role the hormone plays in the male aging process.

Testosterone replacement therapy?

In studies so far, the results have been promising. In one study, 80 percent of older men said their libido improved after treatment with testosterone, compared with about 8 percent receiving a placebo. In another trial, of 150 men ages 50-70 treated with another male hormone – dihydrotestosterone – the results indicated that hormone replacement improves early morning erections and the ability to maintain an erection. A few studies suggest that giving testosterone to older men who have low testosterone levels may increase muscle mass, decrease body fat, and improve bone density, but significant effects on strength and endurance with testosterone alone have not been documented.

The adage that “Nothing in life is free” certainly holds true for male hormone therapies. The benefits they promise are accompanied by risks, including:

    • Loss of libido and decrease in erections.
      Decreases in lean body mass, muscle strength, and endurance.
      Decreases in bone density.
      Increases in body fat and insulin resistance.
  • Possible prostate enlargement, with obstruction of urine flow or even an increase in cancers.
    Blood cholesterol levels leading to hardening of the arteries (atherosclerosis) and greater risk of heart attacks, strokes, etc.
    Studies have not shown whether testosterone actually produces either of the above adverse effects when given to healthy older men with low testosterone levels. A recent study showed that men with adult onset (type 2) diabetes are at greater risk for heart disease if they also have low testosterone levels; so it may be that higher levels of testosterone actually protect men from atherosclerosis. Again, we cannot really assess the risk-benefit ratio for male hormone replacement until we complete more well-controlled studies. Currently, California researchers are treating 300 older men with a testosterone gel to examine the effects on atherosclerosis as well as muscle strength and endurance, fitness, body fat, glucose tolerance, and psychological and sexual function.

    And, despite the uncertainties, it is still considered good clinical practice for knowledgeable geriatricians and endocrinologists to treat men, regardless of age, with male hormone replacement when they are clearly testosterone deficient. However, as we noted, many older men with this condition are never diagnosed or treated. If you are experiencing one or more symptoms of low testosterone, you should discuss them with your physician.

    Aging alone brings changes

    However, you should also keep in mind that aging itself is associated with changes in body composition similar to those observed in younger men with testosterone deficiency. These include:
    Non-hormonal factors such as nutrition, exercise, oxidative damage, and so on, can also play important roles in the biology of aging. Therefore, testosterone, or even multiple hormone replacement, is not a magic solution that will reverse the effects of aging. Further studies of the risks and benefits of male hormone replacement are needed to clarify the issues we have discussed.
S. Mitchell Harman, MD, PhD, is director and president of the Kronos Longevity Research Institute, a not-for-profit, 501(c)(3) organization that conducts state-of-the-art clinical translational research on the prevention of age-related diseases and the extension of healthier human life. If you would like more about KLRI or its research, please visit their website at or call 866-840-1117.
The Aging Self posted about 1 year ago
My eldest grandson called the other evening. He had just finished a book I’d suggested and he wanted to discuss certain aspects of what he’d read. We spent two hours chatting away. Toward the end of the talk, some how the conversation turned to me, eventually facing death, and there was in his voice a sadness, when he said something about how he really wants me to live a very, very long time…My boy, my boy.

I told him that we have to endeavor to put aside emotional feelings, a bit, when we think about death, especially the death of someone who has had the opportunity to live, for awhile, to grow into adulthood, live through the most vital years, and now is on the path of biological deterioration. Because, really, as I told him, we are all faced with death, eventually.

I told him it is something I am working on accepting, and hope to set an example to him, to his mom, to everyone, of how to reach the end of life, with grace, and a sense of coming ‘full circle’. I told him we modern human beings try so hard to separate ourselves from the fact of death, that we do younger generations, and ourselves a vast disservice.

We all need to be raised to understand, and have it reinforced often, that death is a natural end to the biological entity, and one best faced, and realized early, so that the life we live is as full of learning and self development as possible. This fact should stand arm in arm with whatever religious or spiritual beliefs we are taught. Developing fully, as a human being is the reason for this thing we call physical life, not making money, or accumulating material things, or satisfying and gratifying physical urges and desires.

In doing some research, I recently came across the fall 2005 report from the President’s Council on Bioethics. I was really impressed by one section that is one of the most honest, human things I’ve ever read, as far as government reports go. I feel it is something everyone should read, why it should be required reading!

The Aging Self-A selection from Taking Care, a report
from the President’s Council on Bioethics
view link

In Touch With Jeannine
view link

Being Old posted about 4 hours ago
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don’t agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love … I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)