N’s No Promise of Today

During the entire time I wrote in my blog, Within Crepusculum, one fellow blogger followed me, encouraged me, gave me strength, allowed me to be a part of her journey in grief following her husband’s tragic early death and then stood faithfully by me as I agonized over my Mother’s death.  N. was there always–day in and day out, come rain or come shine and soon by reading and sharing our blogs we became friends.  It was eerie because we each could feel (without calling or writing) when we were having terrible times because of our grief.

It was a snap combining my blogs–yet I knew I needed to bring order to Suntithenai,  whereby you will be able to understand how it is a synthesis of me.   Today I received a comment on a poem in one of my pages.  After posting a response to the comment I wanted to read another poem I have.   The second poem had a comment from  N., left by her many months, maybe a few years ago.  Within her comment she shared with me a lyric to a song she wrote

I am not going to give you any background information.  I mean only to share a significant song she wrote and hope that you enjoy it as much as I did–

I sat down and wrote this as I watched him walk down the sidewalk after spending the night with me. I knew that he was unable to give or return my love for that moment in time. Because of his pain over loving and loosing, I wondered if I would never know love his love or if he was capable of returning my love.

No Promise Of Today

No promise of today
No hope of a tomorrow
You simply walk away
With no word of your return.

No promise of today
No hope of a tomorrow
Just dreams of yesterday
There is no promise of today

I hoped that you would stay
It’s so painful with your leaving
And I want so much to say
I can accept this as your needing

Because a promise of today
Would only bring you sorrow
So my heart will have to stay
There is no promise of today…

I must turn and walk away
There is no promise of today…


The Christmas Gift, The Gift I Need to Remember

Today is Christmas Eve, a day of magic, a day of happiness.   As a little boy I always was anxious for night time to arrive to open the presents.  The grown up in me,  greeted the day joyously and anticipated the family being together, particularly since it made my Mother the happiest.   Out of all the holidays in the year, my Mother loved the Christmas season.  All the rooms in the farmhouse were decorated when I was a small child.  Then after retirement, when my parents lived in town, the house was equally decorated.  In Arizona, I knew that I needed to have the Christmas decorations up early for Momma and they needed to be more spectacular each year.  On Christmas eve, Momma always came to my house and stayed through the holidays.  There,  I also knew I should have the house cheerful and twinkling.  And for the past  six years in our present house I have decorated the house inside and out.  Last year was significant in the amount of decorations I put up and their locations.  Momma was so happy.  She could see them all from where she stayed in our big Family room.

This year, Momma will not be here.  This year I am letting Christmas go by.

And then at night, on Christmas Eve,  an unforgettable  gift arrived:

The Christmas Gift, The Gift I Need to Remember

Today, quietly the eve of Christmas goes by,
it passes from gray at dawn to brilliant blue and white by noon.
And then this evening the night brings its chilly breath
to rustle through its darkened veil, whose stars glimmer upon my head.

On the eve of this Christmas, a voice whispered in my ear
from a luminescent cloud of red and blue drifting over my head.
To my ears came the same voice, the one locked in my heart
and now it comes to me from far above the blanket’s glow.

With heart beating, I question through a tightened throat,
“Momma, is that you?, are you all right?”
In return I’m asked why I am sad, where is my Christmas cheer?
“To soon when grief is with my heart, as it yearns for a yesteryear!

Momma tells me to look to my tomorrow and not for yesteryear,
“I’m fine,” she says, “Now you be fine, no longer should you worry.”
And then I realize no longer are there the colors of red and blue,
softly lighting the darkness of the room, the place that had just held joy.

To find the spell, to hear the voice I sit so quiet,
and I realize why, for that fleeting moment, why a visit came to me.
Where once tonight we opened presents and loved each other,
Momma came on Christmas Eve with gift for me:  Her voice, Her Love and My Tomorrow.

This isn’t a fictional poem, you may feel that it is, yet this is how it happened.  I must now try to allow my gift to become more of a reality.  It is a  gift that is the most important that my Mother has ever given me.  Her voice has eluded me now for weeks and now I remember how she spoke.  I also need to move forward in life as my Mother would have.  I can not stop the continual waves of memories I have, nor can I ignore the loss I feel.  Momma was someone who could  forge foward with an exuberant anticipation of tomorrow.  I must attempt to do the same.